My Beloved Mum
Posted Thu, 12/17/15
I lost my beloved mother a few days before Thanksgiving. There are no real words to describe my grief then, or now. Mum was my lifeline, my anchor, the only person I trusted completely and loved unconditionally. At the moment, I'm still unsure how to go on without her.
Mum began to quickly decline shortly after Halloween. She was perfectly fine on Halloween, attending a party dressed in medieval garb, walking around and talking as normal. She was upbeat and happy.
This was Mum on Halloween (click on image to view larger size):
A few days later, Mum took a spill. It wasn't serious (she suffered no bruises or broken bones), but she went downhill from there. She had trouble walking, breathing, experienced acute confusion, and her lack of appetite was pronounced. She received hospice care a few weeks before she passed, which made a big difference in her comfort level.
I'm so grateful Mum still knew me, right until the end. She didn't speak much, but allowed me to hold her hand on occasion. One time she even squeezed my hand in recognition. She slipped away from me shortly after four in the morning on November 23rd. I heard myself cry out like some sort of wounded animal when I realized she was gone, which brought Rainee running to me.
The following is Mum's obituary, which I wrote:
JOYCE M. O'TOOLE
Joyce M. O'Toole, 79, passed away in Bountiful, Utah on November 23, 2015.
She was born Joyce Mary Maureen Watts on August 7, 1936 in Timmins, Ontario, Canada, only child of Irene Mondoux Watts and Stanley Watts. Joyce was educated at Holy Family School and Timmins High. She enjoyed spending time with her friends at the Esquire Grill, Ellis Cafe, Kresge's (the equivalent of Woolworth's in America) and the Fern Cottage, where she always ordered a coke and "chips" with gravy (known as Poutine in Canada). She was an usherette at the Victory Theatre, and later worked at the Mattagami Hotel behind the reservation desk.
It was while working at the Mattagami Hotel in July 1959 that Joyce met Bernard (Barney) O'Toole from Heber City, Utah. They were married six weeks later at the Church of the Nativity in Timmins. During their fifty-five year marriage, Barney and Joyce lived in Greenwich, Connecticut (where their only child Deborah was born), Newgulf, Texas; Tooele, Utah; Danville, California and Reno, Nevada before finally settling in Bountiful, Utah in 1980. Also during that time, Joyce worked at Nevada Bank & Trust in Reno, and later at Walker Bank (aka First Interstate & Wells Fargo) in Salt Lake City and Bountiful.
Joyce was preceded in death by both her parents and her husband Barney, who passed away in 2014. She is survived by her daughter Deborah O'Toole, sister-in-law Delores O'Toole, brother-in-law Jack O'Connor, many nieces and nephews, as well as several dear friends. Joyce is also survived by her grand-dog Rainee and grand-cat Kiki, whom she loved to bits.
Special thanks to Joyce's caregivers over the past year, including Lisa, Colleen, Caroline, Margaret, Analy, Faith, Ashley, Andie and Peg, and to the entire staff at Brighton Hospice who treated Joyce with great care, dignity and respect until the end.
A viewing for Joyce will take place at Probst Family Funeral Home in Midway, Utah on Monday, November 30, 2015 at 11:00am. Interment will follow at Heber City Cemetery, with a brief service conducted by Father Stan Herba from St. Lawrence Catholic Church.
I'm at the lowest point of my life right now. I don't care much about anything anymore, including writing or the upcoming holidays. What's the point? I want to pull myself out of the depression I'm currently mired in, but I just can't seem to manage it.
I wrote a tribute describing how I feel about Mum, but could not read it at her funeral. Instead, our neighbor Kim Miner read it for me:
Mum was my hero. Long before she was officially diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, she knew something was wrong and did her best to fight against it. She constantly wrote notes to herself to remind her of things to do, telephone numbers, names and personal events. She fought to the end - both mentally and physically - to comprehend what was happening to her. Mum was the strongest person I have ever known, and I can only wish to someday be a fraction of the amazing human being she was.
A Bit About My Mum . . . Joyce O'Toole:
Mum loved spaghetti, honey-nut cheerios and chocolate. Her favorite beverages were Pepsi, coffee (with cream and sugar), and chocolate milk. She enjoyed music, her tastes running from generational favorites such as Elvis Presley and Tom Jones to English rocker Robert Palmer and country singer Keith Urban. Imagine my surprise many years ago when she took a serious liking to Robert Palmer's tune "Simply Irresistible," dancing to the rock-and-roll beat with glee. I said to her: "Really, Mum?" She just laughed and continued to dance, wagging her finger in the air.
Mum loved anything in miniature, and was also an avid devotee of crossword puzzles. She and my father made many trips to Wendover for a bit of gambling, always stopping for a hamburger on the way back home. Mum had unfailingly astute taste in clothes, matching outfits with shoes and other accessories in flawless fashion. While she appeared somewhat reserved and proper in front of people she didn't know well, Mum did have a devilish sense of humor when she let her hair down around family and close friends. One of our favorite back-and-forth repartees was tossing in the "F" word during normal conversation, just to get a reaction from each other. So "What's for dinner?" often became "What the f***'s for dinner?" as we collapsed with laughter.
Mum saw me through thick and thin, read every story I ever wrote, told me everything was going to be all right even when it wasn't, took joy in my happiness and sadness in my tears. She was more than a mother to me - we were like the best of friends, sisters even, who could talk about anything under the sun and often did. No subject was off-limits for us, which firmly cemented our unconditional love and unwavering trust in each other. With a quick glance or slight change in tone, we instinctively knew what the other was thinking or feeling without a word being spoken. Ours was a miraculous relationship, a true gift that will never be repeated in my lifetime.
Without her I am left lost and bereft, as if a piece of myself is irretrievably gone. I'm told the pain of loss lessens over time, but at the moment find it very difficult to believe.
Mum and I traveled to her hometown of Timmins, Ontario by train together some years ago, visiting places from her childhood and meeting many of her old friends. She recalled her youth, telling me stories about her teenage hangouts such as the Esquire Grill, Ellis Cafe, Kresge's (the equivalent of Woolworth's in America) and the Fern Cottage, where she always ordered "chips" with gravy (known as Poutine in Canada) and a coke.
Our trip to Timmins in 1987 was an extraordinary experience not just for the beauty of the location and its people, but by the obvious joy the trip gave my mother. There were many whisperings of a lost love, giggling forays to her old hangout the Esquire Grill and regrets expressed at leaving her native country in the first place. Earlier this year we talked about moving back to Canada, and she was excited by the prospect. How I wish it had come to fruition.
There are hundreds more precious memories of Mum that I can draw on now and in the future for strength and humor, reflections which may eventually bring a smile to my face. I'm grateful for each and every one of those memories, and for the fifty-four years I was privileged to have her as my darling Mum.
There's nothing left to say.
*Related Blog Posts: Troubled Waters (06/18/14), Mum & Me (03/01/15), St. Patrick's Day Chinese (03/17/15), Mum Pics & Video (10/06/15), My Beloved Mum (12/17/15) and One Year Ago (08/07/16).
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