Sad Adieu
Posted Sun, 09/21/14
My father passed away on Wednesday, September 17th, 2014. It was rather sudden, and quite a shock. He'd been having medical issues for a long time, but I never expected the end to come as it did.
After a stint in the Life Care Center for physical therapy, Dad came home on August 11th. He was hospitalized about ten days later, after which he elected to go to the Avalon Care Center (where Mum is currently located) for more physical therapy. He basically stopped eating. He'd ask me to get him foods he craved (sliced avocado with lemon, watermelon chunks or grapes) but when I brought it he'd take one bite and set it all aside. He grew thinner of course, but I wasn't alarmed because he appeared in complete control of his facilities and was receiving protein drinks to help supplement his lack of appetite.
At one point, he even considered sending to Colorado or Washington for marijuana because smoking it is known to create the "munchies," but the idea never had time to come to fruition. For Dad to entertain the notion of smoking marijuana in order to get back his appetite is very telling. He wanted to get better; he wanted to live. He was willing to do anything to remain in this world.
Dad's 86th birthday came on September 5th. I brought him red velvet cupcakes and birthday cards. He and Mum had breakfast together that same day, which he never ate. After we returned to his room, he said to me: "If my twin sister Colleen was alive, we could celebrate together." Dad appeared so sad, almost wistful. It was very unlike him.
He simply grew weaker, not even having enough strength to take part in physical therapy. He kept insisting he'd get better if he could just get the therapy, feeling it would also increase his appetite. On his last night at Avalon (September 16th), a nurse brought Mum to his room for a visit. They spent about an hour together. Mum kissed him goodbye, went to leave with the nurse, but came back to give him a second kiss. "One kiss wasn't enough," she said. She was probably one of the last people to speak to him, which is a good thing in hindsight.
His condition worsened in the night, so he was transported to Lakeview Hospital. He was intubated in the ER before being moved to ICU. By the time I arrived (around five in the morning) he was cognizant but unable to speak because of the breathing tube. I asked him if he wanted me to get Mum to the hospital but he shook his head "no" vehemently. I fully understood - he didn't want Mum to see him hooked up to life support.
I was told he had about a 10-20% chance of survival because sepsis was shutting down his organs one by one. His twin sister Colleen (2003) and their older brother Mike (1993) also passed away from the same thing. By the way, I was not impressed with the doctor on call. William Sadler was an abrupt man with no business being in the ICU. When he spoke, there was no eye contact. He looked above my head, as if in a hurry to dismiss me. He dragged his heels when it came time to sign the death certificate, which put the funeral director in a spot. However, I laud the ICU nursing staff at Lakeview Hospital. They were above reproach.
In mid-afternoon, Dad slipped into a coma-like state and was no longer able to respond to my questions with a nod. His blood pressure dropped to -21, eventually going so low it stopped reading on the monitor. Around 4:30 p.m., a nurse came into the room and said he was gone. His heart simply came to a standstill, even with the breathing tube still trying to do it's job.
Despite our difficult relationship, I never wanted to watch my father die. It is a horrible process, one that will remain in my head for the rest of my life. His death released a real sorrow inside me. Whether it's a mixture of grief and regret that we didn't have a better relationship, I'll never know.
I'm grateful Mum wasn't on hand to witness the loss of her husband. I don't think she would have ever recovered from it.
I wasn't emotionally equipped to tell Mum yet, so I waited until the next morning to go to Avalon. Throughout the ordeal, her neighbor Kim Miner was with me (also when Dad died). She knew my parents well and visited them at the facility regularly. It was a great comfort to have Kim with me when I had to tell Mum of Dad's passing. To my surprise, she was more accepting than I ever imagined. She cried, naturally, but remained calm for the most part.
I didn't sleep well the night Dad died. I finally gave up and spent a few hours writing his obituary. It will run in the Davis County Clipper, Salt Lake Tribune and Wasatch Wave.
Bernard Russel O'Toole (1928-2014)
Bernard Russel ("Barney") O'Toole, 86, passed away at Lakeview Hospital in Bountiful, Utah on September 17, 2014.
He was born September 5, 1928 in Keetley, Utah to Walter O'Toole and Phyllis McMillan O'Toole. Barney had a twin sister, Colleen O'Connor, as well as a younger sister (Margaret "Peggy" Huber) and three older brothers (Walter Jr., William "Mike" and Patrick O'Toole), all of whom preceded him in death.
Barney was raised in Heber City, Utah where he attended Wasatch High School. During his youth, he also worked underground at the silver mine in Park City. He went on to attend the University of Utah (receiving degrees in electrical engineering and geophysics) and served four years in the US Navy aboard USS Taconic. Following military service, Barney worked for Texas Gulf Sulphur Company, Anaconda, Utah International and Applied Geophysics during his long career, eventually establishing his own business (Melano-Pyxis) in 1981. Even after retiring, Barney continued geophysical consulting for British Petroleum which took him to Brazil, Ireland, Sweden and Uruguay.
Barney met Joyce Mary Maureen Watts in Timmins, Ontario, Canada in July 1959. They were married on August 20, 1959 at the Church of the Nativity in Timmins, six weeks after they first met. During their fifty-five year marriage, Barney and Joyce lived in Greenwich, Connecticut (where their only child Deborah was born), Newgulf, Texas; Tooele, Utah; Danville, California and Reno, Nevada before finally settling in Bountiful, Utah in 1980.
Barney is survived by his wife Joyce O'Toole, daughter Deborah O'Toole, two sisters-in-law (Jane and Delores O'Toole), several nieces and nephews, as well as good friends and neighbors. A man of great humor and integrity, Barney will be sorely missed by all those who loved and held him dear.
A viewing will take place at the Probst Family Funeral Home in Midway, Utah on Tuesday, September 23, 2014. Interment will follow at Heber City Cemetery with military honors. Click here for funeral program (637 KB, PDF).
Selecting clothes and accessories for my father's burial was also another difficult task. I'm not sure how I got through it.
My cousin Sheila flew in from Spokane on Thursday. She will be staying with me until next week. She has been a great comfort, very strong. My nerves have calmed considerably since her arrival.
Yesterday, Avalon held a special remembrance service for Dad to help my mother. We brought pictures of Dad, along with flowers. Mum still seems fairly calm, although she will not be attending the funeral on Tuesday. I think it would be the last straw. I was also advised not to take her by staff at Avalon. Thank you to Lisa at Avalon for her love and emotional support of my mother. (See POSTSCRIPT: Final Goodbye; 09/27/14).
My father was the last of his siblings. If there is indeed a heaven, I hope they're having a supreme reunion right about now.
With plenty of highballs, of course.
*Related Blog Posts: Sad Adieu (09/21/14), Final Goodbye (09/27/14), Bad Sniffles (09/28/14), Reading Binge (10/19/14) and Dad's Marker (12/09/14).
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